Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Poor, Poor, Minimal Me

I’ve got two new bras, something I’ve needed for, oh, about four years. Taking the tags off one today, I noticed that it’s a “minimizer.” I saw the word on the website but didn’t think anything of it; now it has me worried. Minimizer. Do I need to be further minimized? What does it mean? What will happen to me? My boobs are one of the best things I’ve got going. They are the largest concentrations of contented tissue I own, many cubic centimeters of soft, uncomplaining happiness. Should I consent to have them minimized? Will this bra further undermine my small power in the world?

Bras are so active these days. I just want a standard thing that provides a little support and keeps my protrusions more or less stationary. Knowing of my bra need, my older sister called one day a couple of years ago from T.J. Maxx on her cell phone, said they had a great sale going on, asked if I cared what color the bras were. “Color? No, I don’t really care what color they are.” I wasn’t picturing hot-pink or abrasive-blue embroidered lace and flowers, purple netting with thick gold embroidery. Isolation has made me ignorant of the capitalist innovations of the moment. I tried each on in turn, determined to adapt. I felt like my boobs were being served up on a platter, and finally realized they were push-up bras. How sexy I would be. I sent a check to my sister and the bras to the thrift store.

I need quiet, I need rest. I don’t need screaming colors and pushed-up boobs shouting, “Look at me! Look at me!” And what’s the point of pushing my boobs up when the rest of me is so decidedly down?

No, if my bras are going to engage in extracurricular activity, I’ll take minimizing over publicizing. And besides, the new ones have 4 points of COMFORTTM each. Really, that’s quite a lot.

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